Because we're stupid

I once had a lover who was against the idea of soulmate love. Well, love, I think he would have settled for love, but his idea of it and mine were quite different. He wanted to have an open relationship. Then just stay single, I’d say, that’s an open relationship.

But no, he wanted someone to come home to after having slept with others, and he had found it. He had recently fallen in love and was still recovering from that fall. So you can imagine that love seemed like a horrible idea to him as it does to me now.

Because I wanted someone who would love me for life. Just me and him, a monogamous union. Just like some of my parent’s friends. I think two is better than fifteen if you find the right one and one.

Once we were at a bar or something. He took me there. The place was crowded. We’re talking with a few of his friends and he brought our current argument to the table. 

We all have many soulmates, right? And we’re all supposed to find one of these soulmates? And love them for all eternity! If all that’s true, then why are we all alone? He asked all pissed off and indignant.

Because we’re stupid.

Because we’re stupid, his friend said. And then he sipped his beer and started to turn away as if we were keeping him from finding his soul mate. It was utter brilliance. Perfectly true and honest.

But we’re not just that. We’re also frustrated and scared and hollow and cold sometimes. Sometimes we’re so cold we just shut every window and every door to keep comfortable. Like I refuse to do.

I laughed at him, you know. I thought - you’re never going to find it. I am. And you’ll be old and lonely and wish that you had made different choices.

But wait!

I wish I had made different choices. I wish I had been awake at times and pretended to be asleep at others. I wish I had not given up so easily at the exact same point in every union. I wish I had just put on a sweater – left the windows open, stood at the ajar door. I wish I had taken the good ones back instead of the bad ones.

And I wish I had more patience, wasn’t so bitchy. Wasn’t so crass, but who can help that?

I wish that I will find him now.
Now that I know more and am more.
I wish for a love that lasts forever.

I mean forever –
beyond the end --
leaving an imprint on the world I leave behind.

‘Cause I am not stupid.

the door prize

I spent today recovering from injuries sustained during a biking accident. Someone opened his car door as I was cycling past. I worked hard to avoid a collision but nonetheless was sent flying onto the road.

I have thought about the karmic weight of such an occurrence and the metaphorical nature.

I felt so in control and so safe having chosen this route -- a detour from my regular ride home -- to avoid construction.

Maybe it's necessary sometimes to take the challenging route. Maybe trying to make things easier isn't working. Maybe there is no way to avoid a fall.

In every tragedy there is triumph. From this one, I learned that putting essential oils like lavender and eucalyptus on a bruise followed by Castor oil can truly provide comfort.

Arnica would have been best, but I opted to stay home and to use what I had in the house.

It also made me slow down. I had no choice but to sit quietly and calmly bring my body back to balance.

Luckily I had the day off. It was a challenge not to dart around like I usually do. It was a challenge to rest my body and my mind. One has to do that to heal, I've learned. It's the only way. Healing has to start with the mind.

A great book on herbal remedies is The Little Herb Encyclopedia seen above.

farmer's markets in the hood

There are so many things to get inspired by. I live in a city within the city seeking out things that I feel have soul. Every since I can remember, my family has been seeking out produce that comes either from our backyard, or from farmers. So how excited am I to find that there are two farmers markets that are a short walk from my doorstep. The sad part is that they are on Tuesday and Wednesday from 3-7. That makes it a bit challenging to visit.

Last Tuesday, I was able to attend the one at Trinity Bellwoods Park (http://www.tbfm.ca/) It's pretty early in the season, so maybe I expected too much. There was tons of kale and other leafy greens, some delicious strawberries.

I ate it in about five seconds, and some of the cherries were somewhere between the kind to be used for pie and the kind to eat. They were pretty sour, but what's a girl gonna do.

The prices were a bit high. A quart of strawberries for $4. The cherries were the same price. The honey I bought was also quite expensive for something I was buying directly from the grower. It was also already turning to sugar. Was I buying last year's batch?

The vendor tried to explain that honey has a tendency to do that. I've been eating honey from farmer's markets since I was three. I know how ridiculous it is to buy one that's already turning when I'm getting it from a farmer. I want that pure, dark delectable kind that is perfect when first opened. Not the kind that I'll have to scrape out with a knife a week after it's opened.

I have to admit, at the farmer's market at Square One in Mississauga. Items are lower priced than they are in major produce retailers. So I don't understand why those setting up shop in Toronto at this location charged so much.

I wonder if conscious business practices should result in higher prices. I have yet to visit the market on Borden Street in the Annex. The Bloor Borden Market runs on Wednesdays. (http://www.my-market.ca/)

The most interesting thing about the market at Trinity Bellwoods Park was the sense of community. People seemed to be part of some community I don't belong to. There were many random conversations with vendors and "nice-to-see-you-agains". So if you're looking for people who are also passionate about home grown eats, this may be a good place to connect.

I personally just wanted a big basket of ripe, sweet cherries and a bucket of honey at a reasonable price. (There were no buckets available at Trinity.)I will visit again later in the season to see how it's developed. I'm hoping there will be more farmers as well.

The City That is Often Called Cold

I recently saw the movie 'The Secret In Their Eyes.'

In my search for a movie that would draw me into the plot and make me forget what was going on in my life. I became tangled in the plot. I remember thinking I was about to see a movie about crime, something suspenseful and troubling, but what I was left with was an examination of love. The varying ranges of love, the love that's realized and love that is never denied. I wondered about the choice to walk away from someone you'd really rather run towards.

Is it worth it to be safe sometimes?

To protect the heart sometimes?

The movie is shot beautifully using subtle techniques to give it life.

For those of you who liked, 'It's Complicated', a line used in 'The Secret in Their Eyes' at a few choice moments. It is complicated in a different way that is always similar in love. Highly recommended.

On the way home from the Cumberland the city looked different. The way it did to me when I was in my element -- exhibiting art regularly and working for myself. I stopped at a fruit stand to buy some blackberries. Everything felt romantic. There were three college aged guys working inside. They stopped talking when I walked in. The staff had placed a huge fan on the floor in front of the entrance. I walked in the door and my skirt blew up in the air.
I asked them if it was the Marilyn Monroe fan.

No one replied.

"You know. So it blows everyone's skirt up as they walk in."

No one replied.

"You do that on purpose don't you."

The cashier smirked as he put the berries in the bag. "Yes, we do."
He said with a straight face. "It's done entirely on purpose."
Then he smiled.

I laughed and walked the rest of the way home.
There's magic in this city.

This city that is often called cold.

Swim Swirl 12"x12" Gallery Depth Canvas